So, today was my sweet Nanny's 91st birthday. I started my day as a hot mess (as usual) BARELY getting out of bed in time to drive myself and Nanny to our eye appointment (how people with children function -- well, beats the fuck outta me because I'm a damn child myself most days...). We made it though, not a minute to spare.
Nanny went first and while she was in the back, I was watching Steel Magnolias on the TV (I need to watch the whole movie; I've never seen it all the way through...) and making notes on the ACTOAR (A Court Of Thorns And Roses) book to discuss with Austin, like our own little two person book club (and maybe on the blog here, possibly on tiktok too, idk, tbd, but either way there will be spoilers -- so if I happen to post a blog or tiktok video "review" about it, you've been forewarned that I will not hold back on the spoilers)...anyway...
Nanny finishes and then it's my turn. Well, I've never done an official field vision test at an optometrists office (I feel like I may have already discussed this kind of topic in a previous blog post, I'll have to go back and look, if not I will talk about it in another post later on; but I've literally been using the same optometrist since I was 12, that's 20 years...Needless to say I may have a problem with change...) and boy will that test make you question if you can even see at all. It's performed one eye at a time and and they're testing your peripheral vision with these tiny white dots (you're to press a button every time you see a white dot -- it took every bit of my will power to push the ADHD to the back of my brain so I could focus on not fucking up this test).
We finished there, Nanny and I got some food for her birthday lunch and I drove her to meet my Aunt Shan (Nanny is going to stay with her for a couple of weeks). We parked and waited for Shan to arrive and while we waited we played with all the silly snap chat filters (God love her, she is the most precious woman).
(pretty sure that double chin is real, not a filter 🥲)
Shan gets Nanny and I head back home. I called Maggie to chat with her about life and her sweet new baby boy and the procedure I've been told by the ENT that I need (I'll talk more about that in another post). I finish talking to her, Austin comes out to give me a hug and kiss and goes back to work. I then proceed to just rot in my chair, doom scrolling when I could be doing absolutely anything else (cleaning, washing clothes, studying for various work related things, practicing on my keyboard, etc...)
And of course because of this my mood turns sour and my mind wanders to everything I want to do and why my impractical thought/attitude of "if it's not perfect then it's not good enough and so if I can't do it perfectly then I won't do it at all" and then that thought brings forth others such as, if I can't know everything about a subject why learn anything at all and my God what an ignorant way of thinking (i.e. I don't know every stretch or exercise out there to get in shape so I don't do any of them, I don't know all the ways to cook healthy foods do I eat trash, etc)...I am an educated individual, I know that one person can't know EVERYTHING, so why do I fault myself for not knowing? What in my brain or in my past has made me think that was even necessary or possible? Why can I not give myself permission to at least try a few new exercises, recipes, etc to start with and be happy with that? (Perfectionism is the ruin of a life because the attitude of "if whatever I do in life won't potentially turn out perfect then there's no point in starting it." Well that’s fucked up and also how I’ve always felt and I fucking hate it, it's miserable and overwhelming.) Then I also began thinking about how I would love to have/make more money to afford for my family to have and do more. (I'd take nanny to the Grand Canyon, take Dad to Alaska, buy a house, help my brother, take trips with Austin, pay off our debt...)
Austin finishes working and decides he wants waffle house and asks if I want to go (I had already eaten a few hours prior) and well I'm wallowing in my own self-loathing at this point, shutdown, and actively shutting him out because I'm just irritated. Austin is a very astute man, and picks up on everything me. So of course he recognized that my mood changed faster than the gears of a formula one race car in the middle of a Grand Prix race.
A-"Everything ok?"
C-"Yep" *I, in fact, was not "Yep"* 🥲
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Something to note about me. There are instances where I'm perfectly comfortable crying in front of people -- but for the most part, if it will make me look too weak/vulnerable or if it in any way makes me uncomfortable, I do NOT like to get upset or cry in front of anyone. I've never been in a fight in my life but I'd almost rather throw hands with someone than cry...so to avoid doing just that I take the grumpy, cold, closed-off/withdrawn approach (which, btw, Austin absolutely never, EVER deserves, but for some weird fucked up reason I can't discuss my emotions? ugh...just another thing for me to talk to my therapist about I guess...🙄)
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We leave the house, both of us fairly quiet on the way there. We get closer to this spot near the four-lane where there’s this little bitty pond, and it being almost summer time, this pond happens to have frogs in it.
Now I love frogs, they’re so cute and innocent. Growing up at Nanny’s house she had 5 ponds and every spring and summer around dusk the frogs would start their singing, I love it. I love listening to frogs as much as I love looking at a field full of fireflies in the dark, they're like a field full of stars (It will make me burst into tears it’s so beautiful...I know because it's happened before). It takes me back to my childhood: falling asleep at Nanny's house with the windows open, the summer breeze caressing my skin, the moon light illuminating the room in a soft white glow, the gentle splashing of the water going over the falls as the crickets and frogs lull me to sleep…
As we come to pass the little pond I rolled down the window to, for just a moment, be taken back in time to my childhood, listening to the frogs.
As we passed Austin said, “I’m glad you did that.”
C-“What?”
A-“Rolled the window down.”
C-“Why?”
A-“Because when we were driving by last night I heard the frogs too late and didn’t get to roll the window down in time for you to hear them.” (I almost started ugly crying at this point but I was driving and needed us to get to our destination safely, but I'm crying now as I type this so the tears fell anyway...He was trying to help me listen to the frogs...)
Austin is so kind, so caring, so considerate. This man knows me so well. He knows that I love the sound of frogs singing and he knows why and even as I'm being a grumposaurus-rex, he's still trying to make me happy. If there was a class on CJ, he would get A++, 110%...
When we get to Waffle House we’re quiet for a while until I decide I want to talk about my feelings and (with tears in his eyes, and in mine because, fuck he's so sweet) he’s telling me how proud of me he is of all that I've accomplished in life and how proud everyone else is of me and that although I have all these feelings that I should be proud of myself too.
Y'all. Y'ALL. I was sobbing in the Waffle House (he is my best friend)...I said all that to get to the morals (I'm my brother's sister and I just had to make a long story longer)
Morals of today's story:
Take the goofy snapchat pictures and videos, you'll cherish them one day.
Watch the old movies, they're just as enjoyable now as they were when they first came out, even if they're a little grainy and dated.
Read a book.
Don't clam up when things get hard to talk about, it's not going to do anything but hurt the ones you love who are trying to help you.
Doom scroll at your own risk.
Money isn't everything but learn to budget, it'll help you in the long run.
Don't let perfectionism ruin your life, nothing in life is perfect and that's the beauty of it.
Crying does not equate weakness.
Therapy is your friend, don't bottle it up.
Seeing a field full of fireflies in the dark is a bucket-list must
Find someone that will make you happy even when you're being a grumposaurus-rex
It's ok to be proud of your accomplishments
Find someone that helps you listen to the frogs
Thanks for reading. Follow along and grow with me.
-CJ
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