In case no one has told you today, I love you...

It's been a while since I've posted to my blog so I thought I'd start back with something meaningful. I hope that whoever reads this post is able to take something away from it and...in case no one has told you today, I love you...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I played tennis for a season in high school, I genuinely liked it but I wasn't the best at it. I would practice (not as much as I probably should have) but I always had an issue with follow through when it came to hitting the ball. Follow through in tennis just means you're suppose to hit the ball and follow through with the hit until your arm crosses your chest and the racket rests near your opposite arm's shoulder (probably the same as in baseball or softball honestly)...Well, I was terrible at that; and it would also appear that I'm terrible with follow through in life too. I feel like all my life I’ve struggled with it and now I’m suffering the consequences of not following through...not following through on my diets (yo-yoing back and forth between healthy and unhealthy foods and fads), not following through on my hobbies (picking up a guitar for a short time and, because I'm not a fucking prodigy, I put it down, frustrated). Always wanting the reward without the work...well, that's not how life works.

So I'm not sure the technical definition of follow through but for me it means starting something and seeing it through till the end and boy if ever I had anything that caused me to struggle in life, it would be that. I will pick up a hobby or a diet or something and do it until I'm bored and then forget all about it. I'm not sure about everyone else but the lack of accomplishment a person will feel when they do this every day will certainly take a toll on ones mental health. For me I just tend to feel shitty and talk poorly to myself, like there's nothing in life that I'll ever be able to accomplish or that if I try to I will eventually fail and those thoughts day in and day out fucking suck...but...I'm trying to be better. With my follow through, positive self-talk, everything...

I've talked down to myself for SO MANY YEARS. I'd talked down to myself for so long that I didn't know what it was like to speak positive words to myself. So much so that when I began trying this tapping technique for stress and doing positive self-talk along with it (I'll list the areas and what I say to myself at each tapping point) I just began to cry, out of the blue, until a sob escaped my lips, startling me. I had no idea that I spoke and thought so little of myself that it would illicit such a response when I actually said something kind to myself and meant it. It was overwhelming....And an eye-opener to say the least.

I then began to think about how I talked to myself and the things I would think about myself. I don't know about y'all but I say and think a lot of hurtful shit to myself...Then I wondered, would I say any of this mean shit to a little kid? Abso-fucking-lutely NOT. So, I need to stop saying it to myself. I decided every time I would say anything to or think anything about myself I would picture sweet little 6 year old CJ in front of me with her dirty blonde hair and her pretty brown eyes looking up at me with a sweet smile on her face waiting to hear what it is I have to say to her, that thought alone is what helps to keep me from talking and thinking negatively about myself.

Because when I picture myself as a child, young and innocent, not yet hurt by my own words or the words of others...God...I would protect little me with the ferocity of an F5 tornado, as should everyone else. The saying, "you are your own worst enemy" God, it's so true because if everyone you come into contact with has something negative to say about you that sucks but so long as you don't think those things about yourself it doesn't matter but the moment you let those toxic notions infect your mind, you're fucked. So you have to, with everything in you, protect yourself from others and from yourself. Be kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself allows you to also show kindness to others.

Another thing I've been doing when I wake up and before going into work is thinking about everything I'm grateful for. I've found in the past year that when I'm driving to work my attitude plummets. I would go in thinking, "I don't want to be here, I just want to go home" (I have to remind myself too that I work in an emergency room and while I may not want to be there or I'm having a bad day, I'm sure the people walking through the ER doors are potentially having a worse day and I don't need to make their day worse with a bad mood) while I don't want to have to work, I do. Most everyone does. And while I can go through my whole life dreading going to work every day that I have to work (which would make for a fucking miserable life if you ask me) I could also just, be grateful...

-Grateful that I have a job that helps people.

-Grateful that I grew up in a country that allowed me to get an education.

-Grateful that while I may not have a mansion, I have a roof over my head.

-Grateful that even when I am tired and my feet are sore for working for 12 hours that I'm able to stand on my feet and walk when others can't.

-Grateful that when someone in my family irritates me, that I still have them here to irritate me because one day they won't be and on that day, the only thing I'll be grateful for are memories.

I wrote this post to remind myself as much as to tell whoever else that reads it that:

You are an amazing person. You are here on this earth for a reason. You are capable of anything you put your mind to and I'm proud of you for everything you've done and everything you will do with this life.

Morals of today's story:

• tell yourself, "I love you" AT LEAST once a day

• follow through, you'll thank yourself later

• go easy on yourself

• without work, there is no reward

• speak to yourself like you would speak to a small child: with kindness, love and patience

• show gratitude for the good in your life

• take care of yourself mentally and physically

Thanks for reading. Follow along and grow with me.

-CJ